I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Monday?
No. Next question.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.