My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time