I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
You Might Also Like
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.