[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
british sex workers really pound for pound
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.