zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Nothing to do, you say?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Seekh Kebab
Not attention