Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Have kids, they said
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.