Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
i want to work in this restaurant
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”