I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.