Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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what’s really going on
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Labreador