Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me trying to reach for my goals
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
And bowling should be called pinball
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
That’s amazing.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito