[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where鈥檇 my stick go?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I鈥榤 sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it鈥檚 intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Them: dating isn鈥檛 hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it鈥檚 just the tile pattern
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us