when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
so weird how every mom was born today
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
That’s amazing.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator