I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
You Might Also Like
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
But that’s none of my business
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.