Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.