[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I’m too immature for adultery.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.