An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
The happy life.. 😊
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
When the stylist spins you back around
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
what
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call