4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Ferrari squats
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Feel. He’s so soft.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over