me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…