Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*