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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads