My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The police never think its as funny as you do.