[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.