MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.