When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Barbie gone wild
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”