Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”