4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t know what to do