I hope your spoon slides into your soup
You Might Also Like
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Mhm.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I can’t stop watching this.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…