I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction