Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
This did not end as expected.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.