Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.