For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?