i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
What flavor cupcake are these
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*mops up wine with cat*
when there are deer in the woods
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.