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*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This is my emotional support knife.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.