Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester