knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
2023 was just a warmup
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.