Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.