“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Milk Cube
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The point of your 20s
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day