Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
that’s really how it is
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
get you a girl who
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…