Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”