Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
For anyone who needs this today
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
incredible
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.