*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
motivation
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.