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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!