Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.