1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Happy Friday
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Breaking news:
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying