I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
People buying plungers never look happy.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real