“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Not😆🤣
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“I’m helping” 😅
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale