(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.