You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.