If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
We’ve all been there…
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
🏙👨🏼
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
incredible book dedication
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.