Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Writing, She Murdered.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Boating season is upon us.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
i dont have time for this
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.